Some months have too much bad history. I think this is why Christmas is such a dreaded time of the year-- too much baggage for too many people. For me, I've gotten past my Christmas hang-ups. I'm damn tired in December anyway.
My bad history month is July. Last year, I hit the reset button on July and took the entire month off as a declaration to the universe that I was taking back the month of July, dammit, from the cloud of misfortune that seems to always hang over it. It was a good July. I hung out and worked on my tan.
But then came this year and fireworks again. I love the pretty colors but the idea of blown off fingers and drunks on the road have really helped to dull the 4th of July holiday for me. Plus, you can only imagine how crazy the dogs go.
So once again, I find myself in the thick of bad history month: awaiting ghosts around every corner, wishing I had been smart enough to take the damn month off. Its so hot and dry anyway. Ghosts go away!
Ghosts may linger when you are a mess. Closure is never as simple as it sounds: Close... Sure. Bang! A door slams. As one of my sage aunties once said to me, "Let's admit it honey-- closure does not exist. Pain goes on and on until it is transformed." I never stopped to ask transformed into what?
Part of being a spiritual mess is recognizing that life's painful seasons aren't like a laundry list-- okay, I grieved that loss! I can check it off and be done. Life's not a list for the messy-- what list? I lost the list! Screw the damn list!
No, life for the messy is more like a labyrinth-- we walk in circles coming back to places again and again from different angles and ways and at different times. Painful seasons can remain painful for years, I'm finding. Long after you hit the reset button.
July will always start with a bang, I reckon. The dogs are upset, I can barely sleep, the roof catches on fire. This is only the beginning.
T.S. Eliot once wrote, " April is cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the deadland." I think July is crueler yet for me-- the labyrinth is not so pleasant to traverse.
Where is there good news in this? I suppose the good stuff is in knowing. Like my desk-- its messy, but I know what's there. Maybe that's the trick with cruel months-- in hitting the reset button, it didn't change everything, but instead, this year, I wasn't blind-sided by history. I am aware it is coming and maybe awareness is enough for now.
Yes indeed, its messy isn't it?
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